53 questions and exercises for building intimacy

Building intimacy is essential for deepening personal and professional relationships. It involves cultivating trust, vulnerability, and emotional connection to gain more meaningful interactions.

There are many different types of intimacy, each bringing its own contribution to your deepest connections. To build intimacy effectively, you need to know the types of intimacy that exist, exercises you can use to cultivate mutual growth, and how to overcome daily barriers to quality time.

Current theory around intimacy shows that it increases when your vulnerability is met with supportive responses. For example, intimacy is built when you express your feelings to a friend or romantic partner and receive validation and comfort in return. It can also be built when a physical action is reciprocated, such as giving someone a hug.

Although intimacy is often associated with romantic relationships, it can be built in any type of interpersonal relationship. This includes good friendships and between family members with strong ties.

Different types of intimacy

Intimacy is a broad concept, and building intimacy in a relationship can be expressed in many ways. Among the different types of intimacy are the following:

• Emotional intimacy: Emotional intimacy is a meaningful connection built on trust and effective communication, which are green flags in a relationship. Building emotional intimacy requires psychological safety for openly sharing your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions with another person without fear of being ridiculed or dismissed. Examples of being emotionally intimate with someone include actively listening when they’re talking and supporting each other’s goals.
• Physical intimacy: Physical intimacy is built through touch and physical closeness with another person. This can be through small actions like holding hands, kissing, and other forms of physical affection. An example of physical intimacy is putting your arm around someone while you’re watching a movie.
• Spiritual intimacy: Spiritual intimacy is built by sharing your spirituality without judgment. This might mean discussing your religious beliefs and spending time in fellowship to further your spiritual health. Examples of spiritual intimacy include saying a prayer or going to church together.
• Intellectual intimacy: Intellectual intimacy is built through conversations that go deep into worldly topics. This could mean discussing different perspectives and approaching conversations with intellectual curiosity. Examples of intellectual intimacy include discussing your interpretations of paintings at a museum or learning from each other while talking about current events.
• Social intimacy: Social intimacy refers to high-quality interactions with other people, whether you know them well or not. It has been deemed an important piece of identity formation in adulthood. It’s also a key indicator of how satisfied you are with the social support you receive from others. Examples of building social intimacy include spending quality time with someone and sharing a mutual understanding of each other.
• Sexual intimacy: Sexual intimacy is a closeness built through sex and sexual acts, such as foreplay. This intimacy type combines physical intimacy and emotional vulnerability and can strengthen healthy relationships.

The types of intimacy you gravitate toward may be related to your attachment style. These styles influence how you build relationships and how you approach intimacy. For example, if you grew up with affectionate parents, you might naturally lean toward physical intimacy. If you grew up in a religious home, spiritual intimacy may be more important to you.

Why building intimacy can be so challenging

A common thread among all the exercises used to build intimacy is that they involve being intentional. That’s because building intimacy can be a challenge in a busy world full of schedules surrounding work, school, hobbies, child care, and more.  

A few things that can prevent you from prioritizing intimacy include the following:

• Life routines: You and your partner or spouse may have opposite work schedules, or your calendars may just be too full to accommodate anything else. This can lead to physical and mental exhaustion and make building intimacy in a relationship or marriage the last thing on your mind.

• Fear of vulnerability: Intimacy requires both parties to be vulnerable. If you have a fear of intimacy and opening up, it can hold you back from cultivating deeper relationships. 
• Not knowing yourself: To know and share what you need, you first have to get to know yourself. This involves self-discovery through self-awareness to help you identify the way you’re truly feeling emotionally.

Despite some challenges, intimacy can almost always be worked in if you’re serious about prioritizing it. If your calendar is full, try having deeper conversations while you’re eating lunch or driving in the car. For physical intimacy, make it a routine to spend 10 minutes cuddling with your partner in bed before you fall asleep. 

You can also reserve time by penciling in a get-together or date night. Regardless of what you choose, planning ahead can make a world of difference.

Other barriers to intimacy

There can also be psychological factors that contribute to intimacy challenges, including a fear of abandonment or past trauma. Experiencing past trauma, such as mental abuse, in close relationships can make any form of intimacy difficult. It can impact your ability to trust someone or feel safe letting your guard down, both of which are important steps to build intimacy. 

How to build intimacy: 53 questions to get started 

Every form of intimacy can benefit by connecting through deep conversation driven by interest and curiosity in the other person. Asking intimacy-building questions is a great way to intentionally grow your relationships by diving beneath the surface of someone else’s thoughts and emotions. 

To help get you started, here are 53 deep questions to ask in different types and stages of a relationship.

Questions about your relationship

These questions can help you uncover how the other person feels about the state of your relationship:

1. What’s your favorite thing about our relationship?
2. What are some reasons or situations where you don’t feel safe sharing your emotions with me?
3. What are your values in a relationship?
4. What do you think are some healthy boundaries we’ve set in our relationship?
5. Where do you see our relationship five years from now?
6. What do you think is our strength as a couple or as friends?
7. In what ways do you feel happy and satisfied with our relationship?
8. Do you feel like we manage conflict well?
9. Would you ever consider relationship coaching if we felt we needed it?

These questions can work well for both romantic partners and friends.

Questions about family

Asking these questions can help you better understand someone’s family dynamics:

1. What are some family traditions that you feel strengthened your family bond?
2. Who was your main caregiver growing up?
3. Are you close with your siblings?
4. What’s your favorite childhood memory?
5. Do you want to have children someday?
6. What are your personal family values?
7. Do you know anything about the origins of your family ancestors?
8. Do you have any favorite family stories?
9. What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received from an older relative?

Learning about someone’s background and upbringing can sometimes help you better understand their behaviors.

Questions about your hopes and dreams

Ask these questions to learn more about someone’s life goals and dreams for the future:

1. What is your dream job?
2. What steps are you actively taking to pursue your dreams?
3. How did you develop this dream?
4. Do you feel like you’re reaching your full potential? Why or why not?
5. What do you hope your life will look like in three years?
6. Is there somewhere you’ve always wanted to live?
7. What travel destinations are on your bucket list?
8. What would you like to see change in the future of our country?
9. Are there any bad habits you want to break?

Uncovering someone’s desires for the future can help you connect on shared relationship goals.

Questions about disappointments and hardship

Use these questions to learn more about how someone responds to roadblocks in their life:

1. When was the last time you felt disappointed by someone?
2. How do you deal with disappointment?
3. What have you learned from past disappointments?
4. Is there anything you think you can do better when responding to hardships?
5. What coping mechanisms do you use when you feel upset?
6. Have you tried any self-discovery activities when you feel emotional?
7. Do you feel like you’re good at forgiving yourself for past mistakes?
8. How do you practice self-love?
9. How do you prioritize self-care?

Questions about insecurities

Here are a few questions you can ask to understand someone’s relationship with themselves:

1. What are your biggest insecurities?
2. How do you handle constructive criticism?
3. What are some fears you’ve overcome?
4. How do you determine your self-worth?
5. Do you ever experience a fear of failure?
6. What’s one thing you think makes other people look down on you?
7. How do you manage self-criticism and automatic negative thoughts?

This information can help give you insight into their intrinsic motivators and thoughts that might be driving their actions.

Questions about spirituality

To build spiritual intimacy, try asking these questions:

1. What religious affiliation do you most closely align with?
2. How important is spirituality in your life?
3. Does your family practice a certain religion?
4. Do you believe in a higher power?
5. Are there spiritual practices you’ve been wanting to try?
6. What do you do to strengthen your spirituality?
7. Who is your spiritual role model?
8. Have your spiritual beliefs changed over time?
9. What experiences have most shaped your spiritual life?
10. Where do you find inner peace and replenishment?

Understanding someone on a spiritual level can be a great way to strengthen your bond.

Intimacy-building exercises

In addition to asking deep questions, you can build intimacy through intentional exercises. Here are a few activities you can try to build emotional and physical intimacy.

Tech-free evenings

The average global citizen uses the internet for six hours and 40 minutes every day. While some of this usage might occur during work, people are spending an average of nearly two and a half hours on social media each day. This can easily cut into face-to-face quality time spent with loved ones during relaxation time outside of work.

Building intimacy takes intentional time. Try doing a digital detox and cutting out devices for an evening to instead spend time with someone with no distractions. If this works well for you, make it a regular habit or set up a schedule of designated tech-free evenings to grow your relationships.

Relationship check-ins

Intimacy can be built on a daily basis simply by asking your partner, friend, or family member how their day was. It’s also important to know how they’re feeling about your relationship in general.

Try setting aside some time for relationship check-ins, where you can talk about what’s working well, what’s lacking, and any conflicts that have yet to be brought up. For example, you could schedule a weekly check-in for every Sunday night at 8 pm, so you both know when to expect it. Try to choose a time that both of you typically have capacity and availability that doesn’t overlap with other commitments.

20-second hugs

If you feel like you’re lacking physical intimacy in your relationship, try exercises that are designed to help restore that connection. One example is 20-second hugs. 

As the name implies, this exercise involves hugging the other person for at least 20 seconds without stopping. Hugging for just 20 seconds not only helps bring you closer together, but it can also help reduce the harmful effects of stress for each of you.

Photo show and tells

To learn more about what’s important to the other person, try having a photo show-and-tell night. Take turns going back through old photos on your phones and pointing out some that have special meaning to you. 

This could be a photo of a memory you cherish, an important person in your life, or simply a funny moment. Just be sure to put your phone on its “do not disturb” setting so you don’t get interrupted by notifications.

Reading relationship books together

Books about relationships can be valuable resources when navigating relationships, especially when you and your partner read them together. They can help you navigate problems like conflict or feeling disconnected and encourage positive thinking.

If you aren’t sure where to start, check out books from the Gottman Institute, which is an organization dedicated to helping people improve their relationships. A good one to start with is Eight Dates, which leads couples through a series of dates related to important topics in relationships.

Review the Wheel of Life®

The Wheel of Life® is a self-assessment tool that helps you take inventory of your strengths in different aspects of life. It includes a section on relationships as well as careers, finances, health, and more. 

Take time to fill out the assessment together and share what you learned. Pay extra attention to the relationships section, which helps you understand your level of satisfaction with different relationships in your life.

When to seek professional support for building intimacy

Relationships have natural highs and lows that can interfere with intimacy during certain stages of life. Maybe you’re trying to set aside time for relationship intimacy, but it keeps getting interrupted. Or maybe you’re spending time together but aren’t feeling more connected.

Whatever the case may be, professional help is always available. If you feel like you’ve hit a roadblock, consider working with a relationship coach. These professionals are trained to help improve communication, resolve conflict, and navigate transitions to help you rebuild your bond.

Building intimacy takes work

Building intimacy is critical for creating lasting relationships, but it doesn’t always happen naturally. It can take time, patience, and intentional effort from both people. Luckily, there are questions and exercises you can use to kick-start your journey to improved closeness.

If you’re struggling to build intimacy, you’re not alone. Work with a BetterUp Coach to identify opportunities to foster stronger relationships.