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Emotion regulation is a critical skill that helps us navigate the ups and downs of daily life. It is the ability to intentionally control and manage our emotional state. We all feel frustration in traffic, sadness when we miss loved ones, or anger when someone lets us down. These emotional responses are normal, but for some, managing emotions becomes a challenge, with highs and lows that feel overwhelming.
People struggling with emotional dysregulation often experience rapidly shifting states—calm one moment, angry or sad the next. These intense changes can disrupt relationships, harm mental health, and leave individuals feeling out of control.
The causes of emotional volatility vary. It might stem from triggers tied to past trauma, physical factors like exhaustion or low blood sugar, or a lack of exposure to healthy strategies for self-regulation. Whatever the reason, the result is often the same: a sense of being ruled by emotions rather than in control of them.
The good news is that emotion regulation can be learned. Through techniques like mindfulness, cognitive reappraisal, and self-awareness, anyone can develop the skills needed to manage emotions effectively and build greater resilience.
What are emotional control and regulation?
Emotional control and regulation is taking any action that alters the intensity of an emotional experience. It doesn’t mean suppressing or avoiding emotions. With emotional regulation skills, you can influence which emotions you have as well as how you express them.
Ultimately, it refers to the ability to effectively exert control over our emotions through a wide range of approaches.
Some people are better at regulating their emotions than others. They are high in emotional intelligence and are aware of both their internal experiences and the feelings of others. While it may seem like they're just "naturally calm," these people experience negative feelings too. They've just developed coping strategies that allow them to self-regulate difficult emotions.
The good news is that emotional self-regulation isn’t a static trait. Emotion regulation skills can be learned and improved over time. Learning how to manage negative experiences can benefit your mental and physical health.
Why is emotional regulation important?
Emotion regulation is essential for navigating life effectively and maintaining healthy relationships. As adults, we are expected to manage our emotions in ways that are socially acceptable and support our personal and professional well-being. When emotions overwhelm us, they can create significant challenges.
Factors that disrupt emotion regulation
- Beliefs about negative emotions: Deeply held beliefs that certain emotions are "bad" can prevent healthy processing.
- Lack of self-regulation skills: Without effective strategies, it can be difficult to manage emotional responses.
- Stressful situations: High-pressure scenarios can amplify emotional intensity and make regulation harder.
The impact of poor emotion regulation
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On relationships:
Uncontrolled anger can lead to saying hurtful things that damage trust and push others away. Repairing relationships often takes significant time and emotional energy—and may not always succeed. -
On personal well-being:
Persistent sadness can lower quality of life, while unchecked fear may hold us back from taking risks or embracing new opportunities. This can lead to unnecessary suffering and limit personal growth.
Why emotion regulation matters
By learning to manage emotions effectively, we can:
- Strengthen our relationships with others.
- Reduce unnecessary stress and suffering.
- Build resilience and confidence to explore new opportunities.
Mastering emotion regulation is key to leading a balanced, fulfilling life.
5 emotion regulation skills you should master
There are a number of skills that can help us self-regulate our emotions.
1. Create space
Emotions happen fast. We don’t think “now I will be angry” — we are just suddenly clench-jawed and furious. So the number one skill in regulating difficult emotions, the gift we can give ourselves, is to pause. Take a breath. Slow down the moment between trigger and response.
2. Noticing what you feel
An equally important skill involves the ability to become aware of what you’re feeling. Dr. Judson Brewer, MD Ph.D. recommends practices for becoming more curious about your own physical reactions. Tune in to yourself and consider: in what parts of your body are you noticing sensations? Is your stomach upset? Is your heart racing? Do you feel tension in your neck or head?
Your physical symptoms can be clues to what you are experiencing emotionally. Inquiring into what is happening to you physically can also distract your focus and allow some of the intensity of the emotion to go away.
3. Naming what you feel
After noticing what you feel, the ability to name it can help you get control of what is happening. Ask yourself: what would you call the emotions you’re feeling? Is it anger, sadness, disappointment, or resentment? What else is it? One strong emotion that often hides beneath others is fear.
Many of us feel more than one emotion at a time, so don’t hesitate to identify multiple emotions you might be feeling. Then dig a little deeper. If you feel fear, what are you afraid of? If you feel anger, what are you angry about or toward? Being able to name your emotions will help you get one step closer to sharing your emotions with others.
4. Accepting the emotion
Emotions are a normal and natural part of how we respond to situations. Rather than beating yourself up for feeling angry or scared, recognize that your emotional reactions are valid. Try to practice self-compassion and give yourself grace. Recognize that experiencing emotions is a normal human reaction.
5. Practicing mindfulness
Mindfulness helps us “live in the moment” by paying attention to what is inside us. Use your senses to notice what is happening around you in nonjudgmental ways. These skills can help you stay calm and avoid engaging in negative thought patterns when you are in the midst of emotional pain.
6. Acting on your values
Susan David's theory of emotional agility is a framework for understanding and managing our emotions in a way that allows us to live more fulfilling lives. It emphasizes the importance of being mindful of our emotions, accepting them without judgment, and choosing how we respond to them in a way that aligns with our values.
7 strategies to help you regulate your emotions
Learning to regulate emotions is a skill that can improve relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. By adopting practical techniques, you can navigate emotions more effectively and respond to challenges with resilience. It is important to consider which strategies are most useful and which ones to avoid.
There are two broad categories of emotional regulation. The first is reappraisal: changing how we think about something in order to change our response. The second is suppression, which is linked to more negative outcomes. Research indicates that ignoring our emotions is associated with dissatisfaction and poor well-being.
Let’s look at 7 strategies that can help to manage emotions in a healthy and helpful way.
1. Identify and reduce triggers
You shouldn’t try to avoid negative emotions — or be afraid of them. But you also don’t have to keep putting yourself in a situation that brings on unpleasant emotions. Start to look for patterns or factors that are present when you start to feel strong emotions. This requires some curiosity and honesty. Did something make you feel small? Strong emotions often spring up out of our deep-seated insecurities, especially the ones we hide. What is happening around you and what past experiences does it bring up for you?
When you identify these triggers, you can start to explore why they carry so much weight and whether you can reduce their importance.
2. Tune into physical symptoms
Pay attention to how you are feeling, including whether you are feeling hungry or tired. These factors can exacerbate your emotions and cause you to interpret your emotions more strongly. If you can address the underlying issue (e.g. hunger, exhaustion), you can change your emotional response.
3. Consider the story you are telling yourself
In the absence of information, we fill in the blanks with details of our own. Perhaps you are feeling rejected after you haven’t heard from a family member; you believe it is because they no longer care about you.
Before you make these attributions, ask yourself: what other explanations might be possible?
Shonna Waters recommends the “just like me” technique. Whatever motive or action you are assigning to the other person (there’s almost always another person involved), add “just like me” to the end. It is a way of reminding yourself that they are also an imperfect human being.
4. Engage in positive self-talk
When our emotions feel overwhelming, our self-talk can become negative: “I messed up again” or “everyone else is so awful.” This technique can help mitigate the impact of negative emotions and foster emotional resilience.
If you treat yourself with empathy, you can replace some of this negative talk with positive comments. Try encouraging yourself by saying “I always try so hard” or “People are doing the best they can.” This shift can help mitigate the emotions we’re feeling. You can still be frustrated with a situation that isn’t working but no longer have to assign blame or generalize it beyond the situation.
5. Make a choice about how to respond
In most situations, we have a choice about how to respond. If you tend to respond to feelings of anger by lashing out at people, you likely notice the negative impact it is having on your relationships. You might also notice that it doesn’t feel good. Or, it feels good at the moment, but the consequences are painful.
Next time you feel anger or fear, recognize that you get to choose how you want to respond. Rather than lashing out, can you try a different response? Is it possible for you to tell someone that you’re feeling angry rather than speaking harshly to them? How did you feel? How did the other person respond?
6. Look for positive emotions
Human beings naturally attribute more weight to negative emotions than positive ones. This is known as negativity bias. Negative emotions, like disgust, anger, and sadness tend to carry a lot of weight. Positive feelings, like contentment, interest, and gratitude are quieter. Making a habit of noticing these positive experiences can boost resilience and well-being.
7. Seek out a therapist
Managing our own emotions can be difficult. It requires a high degree of self-awareness. When we're having a hard time, our emotional self-regulation begins to suffer. Sometimes we need a partner like a therapist who can help us learn better self-regulation skills. Fortunately, there are a number of therapeutic solutions that can help us learn to better regulate our emotions.
What is emotional regulation disorder?
Emotional regulation disorder is a condition where someone has difficulty managing their feelings. This inability to adequately regulate emotions is referred to as dysregulation. Dysregulation is a poor ability to manage emotional responses or keep reactions within an acceptable range.
A person with emotional regulation disorder is more likely to experience dramatic changes in mood. These fluctuations in turn negatively impact the person’s actions.
Emotional regulation disorder can result in some of the following:
- Difficulty building and maintaining healthy relationships
- Self-destructive behavior
- Hypersensitivity
- Frequent meltdowns or temper tantrums
- Outbursts of emotions that are displaced onto someone who did not cause the harm
Emotional regulation disorder can also accompany other mental health issues. Disorders such as depression, stress, or borderline personality disorder often complicate emotional regulation.
What is DBT?
There are many therapeutic approaches that can help with emotional regulation disorder. These interventions tend to be practical in nature and can be quite successful.
One approach that can help with emotional dysregulation is dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). DBT is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that seeks to identify negative thinking patterns. Individuals work with a therapist to replace these patterns with positive behavioral changes.
DBT is a cognitive reappraisal technique. It includes practices such as thought replacement or situational role reversals. In situational role reversals, the person imagines a situation from a different perspective. This exercise can help them develop empathy and cognitive flexibility.
One of the long-term goals of dialectical behavior therapy is to improve distress tolerance. Distress tolerance is the ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions, sensations, and experiences. Emotional dysregulation often comes from a desire to “override” the undesirable feeling. Without awareness, people tend to resort to self-harm, substance abuse, and other behaviors to escape the feeling. Building distress tolerance provides a self-help toolkit. This usually includes self-soothing, distraction, and radical acceptance techniques. With practice, you can learn how to calm yourself down.
Negative emotions are part of our daily lives, and pretending that they don’t exist won’t make them go away. Rather than trying to avoid them, we should try to develop emotional intelligence and regulation skills. Building the ability to self-regulate is crucial to leadership, communication, and relationships.
Working toward better emotion regulation
These tools can help you get closer to managing your emotions effectively, but an outside perspective can help. If you're looking for support, partner with a BetterUp Coach to help you develop these unique skills.
Master emotional regulation
Enhance your emotional intelligence with expert guidance to navigate life's ups and downs smoothly.
Master emotional regulation
Enhance your emotional intelligence with expert guidance to navigate life's ups and downs smoothly.
