Overcoming shyness: practical tips for social confidence

Picture this: You're in a room full of people, and everyone seems to be socializing and having a great time, except for you. You're standing off the side, feeling awkward and unsure how to join in. There are many opportunities at this social event to meet new people, make friends, or start a conversation, but you can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone.

Sound familiar?

It can be frustrating when people tell a shy person how not to be shy. They think that to overcome shyness or social anxiety, you just need to talk to people or step out of your comfort zone. But how? For many introverts, speaking to strangers or navigating conversations can feel overwhelming, especially when the fear of rejection or judgment is present. Social anxiety disorder can make these situations even more challenging, and that’s okay — not everyone feels confident in social settings.

Luckily, there are ways to better understand why certain situations make you feel shy or anxious — and how to overcome them. With time and effort, even introverts can learn to feel more at ease and build the confidence to speak up.

What is shyness, exactly?

Shyness is a feeling of discomfort or nervousness in social situations, especially around unfamiliar people or new environments. It often involves self-consciousness and fear of judgment or rejection, making it hard for shy people to start or maintain conversations.

Key characteristics of shyness:

• Self-consciousness: Feeling overly aware of oneself, especially about appearance, actions, or words. Shy people often monitor their behavior closely, which can lead to increased anxiety.
• Social anxiety: Experiencing fear or nervousness in social settings, such as meeting new people, speaking in front of a group, or engaging in conversations. This fear may also overlap with symptoms of social anxiety disorder in more severe cases.
• Avoidance: Preferring to avoid social situations or keeping interactions to a minimum to reduce discomfort. Shy individuals may find it difficult to make friends, maintain eye contact, or feel confident enough to talk in group settings.
• Physical reactions: Symptoms like blushing, sweating, trembling, or an increased heart rate when faced with social interaction. These physical reactions often make socializing feel awkward or uncomfortable for shy individuals.

Shyness can range from mild to severe. For some introverts, it may be a natural response to unfamiliar situations. However, when it significantly interferes with daily life or relationships, it might overlap with social anxiety disorder, requiring professional support or strategies to build confidence and manage anxious feelings.

3 common causes of shyness

Shyness has multiple causes. What can cause shyness for some people may not be for others. 

Here are three potential factors that can cause shyness:

1. Inherited genes

If you have shy family members, it could be a genetic or environmental influence — or both. But these personality traits aren’t set in stone. Being a shy child doesn't mean that you’ll be a shy adult.

2. Environmental influences

The environment in which you grew up has a lot of impact on you. It can have a hold on you for many years to come.

Having stringent parents who outlined everything you could — and couldn't — do as a child, can make it hard to step outside your comfort zone as an adult. Or, if you grew up in an unsafe environment, you could be scared to put yourself out there in social settings.

3. Traumatic experiences

Traumatic experiences from childhood can stay with you into adulthood. For instance, being bullied as a kid could cause your shyness to develop. Or, if you were ridiculed and teased for your hobbies or passions as a young person, you may be hesitant to express them now.

Living through a change in your family dynamic — from divorce or death — can also lead to shyness. 

No matter why you're shy, a BetterUp coach can help you understand the reasons behind your shyness and how you can overcome them. Our individual coaching options will guide you at your own pace to move past your shyness.

This will help you start feeling better about your social interactions to meet your goals.

Distinguishing between shyness and anxiety

It's essential to identify what exactly you're trying to overcome. Shyness, social anxiety, and introversion are often confused with one another. At first, you might think you have social anxiety when in fact you’re shy since social anxiety and shyness can often resemble one another.

While they share similarities and may overlap, or someone may experience all three, they’re quite different.

A social anxiety disorder is a mental health issue, while introversion and shyness aren’t.

People who have social anxiety can be introverts, but it stems from a fear of rejection, criticism from others, and self-criticism. People may withdraw from social settings and keep more to themselves as shy people do. Social anxiety can cause people to have more negative self-talk and harm their well-being. 

Anxiety can prevent people from enjoying a social life and overwhelm them when they meet people to the point that they can't do those things. Shyness can make people apprehensive, but it doesn't fill them with the same stress that anxiety does.

Social anxiety disorder is a mental health issue and might need help from professional therapists. In contrast, shyness is something that you can work to overcome yourself. 

People tend to add introversion to shyness and anxiety, too. Of course, they can be traits of a shy person or someone with social anxiety, but that isn’t always the case. Not all introverts are shy. 

Introverts may not have problems with socializing because it depends on their mood. They'll be comfortable in the right social setting. Other times, they may choose to hang back and withdraw from social events because they prefer some time alone.

9 ways to overcome shyness

Your feelings of shyness don't need to stick with you permanently. Practicing these nine strategies can help you overcome your shyness. Plus, putting these tactics in place will boost your confidence in social interactions.

1. Start small

Stepping too far out of your comfort zone can be overwhelming, so don't hop straight into public speaking. Instead, set small goals to get you out of your shell. Start by talking to a family member or making small talk with a colleague. These things can help build confidence and calm your nerves.

2. Explore what you're good at

If your shyness is getting in the way of your success, then you could be missing out on new opportunities in life. When you always play it safe and never pursue your strengths, you'll stunt your personal growth.

Exploring your strengths will help you diminish any self-doubt and make you more confident with trying new things.

3. Stop thinking that everyone is looking at you

People aren't paying attention to every move you make. Your shyness may try to convince you that everyone notices your mistakes, but it's not true.

You don't have a spotlight on you in a crowd at a social event. Don't think that your social skills are being watched all the time. You can relieve some of that pressure by asking questions and focusing on the other person.

4. Don't self-sabotage or avoid social situations

We can be our own worst enemies. Be mindful of your self-talk in social situations when you're trying to be less shy. You deserve to overcome shyness and build confidence. It's important not to let your inner critic tell you otherwise so that it can lead you to overcome your shyness.

When you’re shy, it’s tempting to avoid scary situations. But, when we don’t socialize, we put ourselves at risk of depression and social isolation. Make an effort to see people.

5. Welcome setbacks

Having a setback of any kind isn't the end of your journey. One bad social interaction doesn't mean that you're incapable of one day becoming more comfortable in social settings.

It's easy to be disappointed in yourself, but remember that nobody can be perfect right away.

6. Name it

What does your shyness do to you in social settings? Does your body language change? Do you struggle to make eye contact with people? Identifying when you start to feel shy can help you learn from it in the future.

7. Understand why you’re shy

If you know why you’re shy in social situations, you can look for ways to break the cycle. For example, it might be due to a lack of confidence or a bad experience that looms larger in your memory than it needs to.

Maybe someone in your past made a big deal about your reserve and you feel it as a source of shame or embarrassment. Maybe it became part of how you think about yourself. Or, maybe you'll discover that you really do prefer to be yourself with 1-2 good friends rather than surrounded by acquaintances and strangers.

If you feel like there is persistent self-doubt, low sense of self-worth, or anxiety that is driving your shyness, consider working with a therapist or coach, particularly if shyness is interfering with your personal and professional satisfaction.  It isn't crucial to identify where your shyness stems from, but it does help to identify and challenge any negative inner voice that might be making the situation worse.

8. Surround yourself with supportive people 

When those around you are not judgmental of your shyness, you'll feel better about yourself. You may even feel empowered to step outside your comfort zone when you have supportive people cheering you on.

9. Seek therapy

Therapists are trained medical professionals who may be exactly what you need, especially if you're dealing with social anxiety. If you’re struggling to overcome your shyness, talking to a therapist or life coach can help you:

• Identify its cause
• Reframe negative thoughts that keep you from socializing
• Manage physical symptoms that come from nervousness of social anxiety
• Develop strategies to navigate uncomfortable social situations

Mindsets to acquire to manage your shyness

Overcoming shyness or social anxiety isn’t about becoming someone you’re not—it’s about cultivating qualities that help shy people feel more at ease and confident in social situations. Moving away from shyness might mean moving toward:

Social ease

Feeling comfortable and relaxed in social situations, shy individuals can work toward expressing themselves naturally without overthinking or self-consciousness. This mindset is especially helpful for shy people when meeting new people or talking to strangers.

Self-assuredness

Believing in your own worth and value allows you to engage with others without fear of rejection or judgment. This helps shy individuals improve their self-esteem and feel more confident in conversations. 

Openness

A willingness to connect, share, and engage with others without holding back due to fear or social anxiety. For introverts or those with social anxiety disorder, openness might mean trying to talk to people or smile more often, even in awkward situations.

Assertiveness

The ability to express your thoughts, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully can help reduce feelings of anxiety and fear. Learning assertiveness skills can make it easier for shy people to navigate interactions and build stronger connections. 

Presence

Being fully engaged and focused in the moment, rather than getting lost in self-doubt or worry about others' perceptions, can ease nervousness and discomfort in social interactions. Paying attention to body language, making eye contact, and staying present in conversations are small steps that can make a big difference. 

Authenticity

Feeling free to be yourself, unfiltered and unguarded, in interactions with others is a major step toward overcoming shyness. It’s not about becoming extroverted but about embracing your personality while striving for genuine connections.

Moving beyond social anxiety and shyness

With these tips, you can take meaningful steps to overcome nervous shyness and build confidence. Don’t forget: being a shy person isn’t a bad thing. Many introverts thrive in their way; you don’t need to change who you are to succeed completely. But if you want to improve your social skills, feel less anxious in conversations, and talk to new people easily, it’s possible with the right strategies and support.

At BetterUp, we believe in helping people unlock their potential and achieve their goals. Whether you want to manage social anxiety, strengthen your ability to speak confidently or tackle social situations without fear, we’re here to guide you every step of the way. Partner with a BetterUp Coach to help you move past your shyness toward a more fulfilling, connected life.