Learn how to stand up for yourself and take control of your life

Each day, we find ourselves in situations where we must stand up for ourselves. Maybe the waiter gets your order wrong, someone cuts you off in line, or a coworker takes credit for your work. 

Not every situation warrants the same response. Yet standing up for yourself in seemingly minor incidents and everyday situations can matter for how you feel about yourself and even how others perceive you.

There's an art to standing up for yourself. It doesn't have to be stressful or create conflict. It doesn't have to be done in anger or resentment.

When you speak up for yourself in a way that is calm and matter-of-fact, others take you more seriously. You'll also start to believe in your own worth and agency.

When you stand up for yourself, self-confidence is essential. It helps you to confront the issue, make eye contact with those you're dealing with, and look out for your well-being.

But not everybody is a naturally assertive person. It can take time to learn why and how to stand up for yourself. It takes practice. Luckily, there are plenty of opportunities to improve on this dimension.

Why should I learn how to speak up for myself?

Learning to stand up for yourself means that you're looking out for your well-being and bettering your mental health. You’re defending your self-worth when you take up this action. 

When you're too passive under difficult situations, you may feel like you've let yourself down. If your inner critic is telling you that you're letting people walk all over you, you won't feel good about yourself. And you may eventually over-react with anger or resentment.

Instead of bottling up all your thoughts and emotions, aim to share your point of view and use your voice to support your beliefs.

Standing up for yourself also means learning to set boundaries. If you identify as a people pleaser, changing the pattern from pushover to assertive communicator requires intentionality.

Be deliberate about how you want to be more assertive. To avoid getting overwhelmed, start with something specific and manageable: pick just one setting where you'd like to start and script it out.

Learning to stand up for yourself and becoming comfortable with it takes time. Even if it's your knee-jerk response to stay quiet and go with the flow, it may be helpful to build up your assertiveness as a tool that you can use whenever you want the power to speak up for yourself.

Why do I struggle with standing up for myself?

People can struggle to stand up for themselves for various reasons. Your family experience and sociocultural background play a significant role in speaking up for yourself. Perhaps you had a strict childhood and, in order to avoid the consequences of breaking or testing certain rules, you were less inclined to speak up and use your voice.

If you were meant to feel small and your voice was taken away in your home, your self-esteem may not be strong enough to stand up for yourself. 

When we stand up for ourselves and our rights, resistance from others and conflict may arise.

Or, we may perceive conflict where it isn’t. Often, people who struggle to speak up for themselves view any friction as conflict when it may actually be minor resistance. 

But some degree of friction isn't always a bad thing, and sometimes it's unavoidable or necessary to get things done. It shows you're setting your boundaries and advocating for your own needs. And studies show that you’re more likely to think you’re being too assertive when you’re doing it properly.

We all struggle with things. It's part of life. At BetterUp, we help people navigate their struggles with clarity, purpose, and passion and learn how to build skills and helpful habits. Standing up for yourself is an important part of that process.

8 ways to speak up for yourself

Learning how to stand up for yourself and use your voice can help you feel better about yourself. It’s common to feel nervous about approaching conflict or tense situations. Once these moments pass, they can teach us a lot about ourselves. Plus, we can feel proud of ourselves for meeting conflict head-on. Plus, you can feel proud of yourself for meeting conflict head-on.

Practice can help you strengthen your voice and advocate for yourself more effectively. Here are eight ways to speak up for yourself: 

1. Understand that saying no can be a good thing

There’s nothing wrong with saying no to people. If you're in an environment that makes you uncomfortable or when you feel strongly disagreed with something (but keep in mind that discomfort isn't always a bad thing- it's part of growth),

An example of this is if a coworker asks you to take on more work than you're capable of doing. You can explain that you already have a full schedule and can't take on anything else. Asserting realistic and healthy boundaries is one of many ways to look out for your mental health. Part of preventing burnout involves saying no when necessary.

2. Emulate words with your body’s posture 

How you present yourself to others as you speak can also impact your assertiveness — slouching or mumbling don’t help you get your point across. Try to amplify your confidence with your body language. Stand up straight, speak firmly and calmly, and maintain eye contact while you’re speaking. 

3. Stay true to your words

After you've set boundaries and advocated for your own needs, you may feel the need to apologize. Unless you said or did something that was indeed wrong or disrespectful (which can happen when emotions are heightened), try your best to ignore this feeling. You can be straightforward and assertive without apology. If you feel like you need to justify your request, skip the "I'm sorry, but" part. Clearly state what's on your mind without embellishing or diminishing your intentions with an apology.

4. Practice when you can

Learning to stand up for yourself may take you a few tries to become comfortable. Think of it as assertiveness training. It may sound obvious, but the more times you do it, the easier it will be when you're in difficult situations. Practice and repetitions will get you into a rhythm of speaking publicly with confidence. 

Practice sharing your point of view if you have a slight difference in opinion with anyone. It could be something as simple and low-stakes as arguing for the best flavor of ice cream.

5. Consider how you could be giving too much

Giving your time and energy to people is great, but don’t overdo it. If you do, may start taking it for granted.

Reflect on your relationships and think about where there's an imbalance. Does one of your friends make you feel angry when they ask you for outlandish favors all the time? Do you still say yes?

Once you start figuring out where you put others' needs in front of your own, you'll know where to stand up for yourself. Find the right time to change the dynamic between you and this person by starting to set clear and healthy boundaries.

6. Know when to leave

If another person makes the environment toxic, it may be best to step away for a moment or leave for good. A shouting match is hardly a productive environment for meaningful discussion or exchange of ideas. Exit the room, get some fresh air, and make sure you're safe from physical harm. Walking out isn't a form of surrender but rather self-care. You're looking out for your well-being and safety.

7. Take your time with your response

You’re under no obligation to to respond in the moment to everything people do or say. If you can, take a moment to digest what kind of situation you're in and think about how you're feeling.

Think about what insecurities might be impacting you right now. You have the agency and power to determine both when and how you choose to deal with specific situations. It doesn't have to be in the blink of an eye. It can be at a later time, when you've had a moment to reflect and plan your next move.

8. Remind yourself that you deserve respect

People who allow themselves to be pushovers often lack self-esteem. Each of us deserves to have others respect us and our personal boundaries--but only if we communicate those boundaries clearly; we can't expect others to be mind readers.

Earning respect from our coworkers, friends, families, and partners does not always come naturally, but by practicing assertive communication it can become easier.

Opportunities to stand up for yourself

If you aren't used to empowering yourself and speaking up, it can be tricky to identify opportunities to do so. 

Here's a list of common examples of when you might want to stand up for yourself:

• When someone is belittling you
• In leadership positions at work
• When you're exploring your passions 
• When you need a break and can't take on more work
• If you’re in an unhealthy relationship
• If someone is wasting your time
• If you know something something is done incorrectly or inefficiently
•  If you observe something that is unethical or not in alignment with your values
• If you feel like your voice is not being heard

Practicing speaking up for yourself

These tips are designed to help you understand how to stand up for yourself next time you need to. If you’re ready to start building up your assertiveness, at BetterUp, our coaches can help you find your voice and reach your fullest potential. Reach out to partner with a specialized BetterUp Coach and see how you can flourish with your newfound confidence.