11 signs of manipulation and how to protect yourself

We’re all capable of making mistakes that impact others. Maybe you spoke ill of a coworker and it got back to them, or you said something hurtful to your partner during a disagreement. These things happen, but there’s a distinct line between letting emotions get the best of you and exhibiting signs of manipulation. 

If you’ve encountered dating experts or therapists on social media, you’ve likely heard terms like “gaslighting,” “love bombing,” or “emotional manipulation.” Each person may have their own definition of these manipulative behaviors, but certain tactics, such as guilt tripping and passive aggression, can be subtle clues that you or a loved one are in a manipulative relationship. 

Whether you suspect that your partner is manipulating you or you’re worried a narcissist is hurting your loved one, learning to recognize the warning signs of emotional manipulation is important. Understanding and identifying the signs of manipulation can help you set healthy boundaries around behaviors undermining your autonomy and well-being.

What is manipulation?

A manipulative person might use passive-aggressive behavior (like the silent treatment) or emotional blackmail to play on your insecurities or attack your self-esteem. Ultimately, the goal of a manipulator is to control or coerce you to serve their own needs. This form of mental abuse can occur in any kind of human connection, including intimate relationships, familial connections, or among coworkers.

Statistics on physical and emotional abuse in intimate relationships from the National Domestic Violence Hotline indicate that nearly half of U.S. women and men have experienced psychological aggression from a partner. Psychological aggression can look like humiliation, being overly critical, or even threatening another person. This manipulative behavior intends to isolate and intimidate and may involve the manipulator telling lies to make you feel guilty and confused. Considering how prevalent manipulation is, it’s critical to be able to identify when someone is trying to manipulate you.

11 signs of manipulation 

Emotional manipulators typically exhibit certain types of behaviors and cause-specific kinds of feelings, including the following: 

• Persistence: A partner, coworker, or relative who is manipulating you can wear you down and control you more easily if they are persistent. They might pester you often to take on certain tasks for them until they get you to cave in. You may notice their behavior feels frequent or even constant. 
• Dishonesty: Lying by omission or other forms of deception are common in instances of emotional abuse like manipulation. Your manipulator will often be dishonest with you to get what they want. You may feel inclined to lie to family or friends to hide what’s going on in your relationship.
• Guilt: Guilt is one of the primary tactics manipulative people use. By making you feel guilty, they can get you to do what they want through their conviction or your feelings of remorse.
• Fear: A partner, family member, or close friend may be especially good at making you feel as if you have to tiptoe around their feelings. You may fear anything you do could trigger them, causing them to blow up or further manipulate you. 
• Pressure: Whether emotionally, sexually, or financially, a manipulative person may intentionally put a lot of pressure on their victim so that they can get what they want quickly and with less effort. 
• Feeling trapped: Having a family member or partner emotionally abuse you can make you feel trapped. You may struggle with feeling obligated to stay loyal to them because of family dynamics or a romantic commitment. 
• Confusion: An intimate partner who exhibits manipulative behavior like gaslighting or causing cognitive distortions during a conflict can make you feel confused and question your own reality. 
• Trust issues: Even if it’s subconscious, manipulation in relationships can cause you to lose trust in other people out of fear that they will again make you the victim of emotional abuse.
• Mental health issues: Research from the Journal of Childhood and Adolescent Trauma shows that people who experience emotional abuse often have trouble regulating their nervous system. They are at higher risk for developing conditions like depression or anxiety.
• Feeling alone: If someone close to you uses a manipulation tactic like social isolation, you may lose connections you’ve built with others. You might be left feeling alone in your struggle, even within your relationship with your abuser.
• Low self-esteem: One toxic trait of manipulative people is that they often prey on those who suffer from low self-esteem. People with self-esteem issues tend to see themselves in a negative light, feel like they’re not good enough, and feel inadequate in the workplace and their relationships. However, even secure people with high self-awareness are susceptible to feeling bad about themselves if they’re being manipulated in a relationship.

Examples of manipulative language

Emotional vampires (people who leave you feeling emotionally and energetically drained when you’re around) and others who want to use or hurt you psychologically can play various roles in your life. Even a toxic family member is capable of harming you beyond just making a snide comment or two at a holiday dinner. 

If someone causes you an intense amount of guilt or tries to get something out of you through coercion, they are engaging in manipulative behavior. Here are some examples of language to look out for if you suspect that you’re connected to a manipulator:

• “You’re so selfish, and you are the reason we keep fighting.”
• “If you really cared about me, you would…”
• “Your friends don’t like me. I don’t want you hanging out with them.”
• “That didn’t happen. You’re acting crazy right now.”
• “Come on, you know I would never do anything to hurt you, right?”

Common manipulative tactics 

Gaslighting and guilt-tripping are two common manipulation tactics you may already be familiar with, but emotional manipulation can take many other forms. 

Distortion

We all have our own perceptions of the world around us, but it’s harder to argue about what is factually happening when presented with concrete evidence. Still, a manipulative person might use pressure or aggressive communication to distort the facts about a situation or conflict to get what they want. 

Love bombing

Love bombing is a popular term in the dating world, and for good reason. It’s a common behavior displayed by someone wanting attention or validation from another, regardless of their intention of committing to a long-term relationship. 

If a person you’re dating is making grand romantic gestures early on, using excessive flattery,  or promising unrealistic things for the future with no proof to back them up, you might be getting love-bombed. 

Isolation

Isolating someone from the other people in their life is a tactic often used by manipulators. Research from Violence and Victims has found that isolation is one of the most common forms of emotional abuse and is especially experienced by young women in intimate relationships. 

If your partner wants to control and manipulate you in some way, they could try convincing you to distance yourself or even cut yourself off from your family and friends to spend all your time with them. In the workplace, managers or colleagues who are trying to emotionally harm or manipulate you may ostracize you by avoiding you or giving you the silent treatment. 

Gaslighting

Similar to distortion, gaslighting happens in many emotionally abusive relationships. When a partner gaslights you, they make you feel wrong or even “crazy” for the ways you perceive a conflict or situation, even if you are completely correct about what happened. 

Studies from the journal Personal Relationships show that gaslighting can cause you to develop trust issues and lose your sense of self in the process. Some manipulators use this method so effectively that you experience self-doubt and feel you are losing your ability to understand reality. 

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing can be difficult to spot because it often happens on a subtle level. Breadcrumbing makes you feel the person is romantically or sexually interested, yet they repeatedly fail to commit or fulfill any promises. According to the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, manipulators use breadcrumbing to gain your attention or companionship while leaving you feeling even more hopeless or lonely than you were before. 

Even a work supervisor can breadcrumb you. If you’re being underpaid, overworked, or emotionally mistreated by your boss, they may surprise you with a generous gesture or increased appreciation without improving the work environment or even improving your pay.

Triangulation

Manipulative triangulation occurs when two people are in conflict, and the manipulator uses the perspective or influence of a third person to cause further harm or gain more control. For example, a coworker might play the victim and get your boss to protect them while they bully you at work, or a parent could bring your sibling into a conflict to help them “win” an argument.

Guilt-tripping

Guilt is an effective tool for an emotionally manipulative person. A manipulator may make you feel guilty if you don’t meet their every need or change certain behaviors for them, even if their expectations are unreasonable. They may even guilt you into causing harm to another person by leveraging a past mistake you made or exploiting the empathy you feel for them.

Mobbing

Though it isn’t always easy to accurately detect behaviors of emotional manipulation in romantic relationships or friendships, recognizing it in the workplace can be even trickier. You may think a colleague or manager is just unpleasant. In reality, they may be engaging in a manipulative tactic like mobbing, which involves consistent, long-term workplace bullying or harassment. According to research, mobbing can create an inequitable power dynamic and cause symptoms of anxiety.  

How to protect yourself against manipulation at work and in life

Red flags in a relationship can help you distinguish between unintentional hurt and intentional manipulation. If the potential manipulator is using specific behaviors to cause harm, inflict fear, or exhibit control, it’s a good clue they are trying to gain something by emotionally hurting you.

Once you understand the signs of manipulation, learning how to protect yourself from it is the next step. If you notice red flags in the office, learning how to set boundaries at work can protect you from a manager or difficult coworker who wants to use or control you. 

Workplace coercion is another form of manipulation. It can involve a person in a higher-status position making threats to get what they want or a coworker intentionally deceiving you to get you to do more than your share. Setting boundaries in these relationships (and all types of relationships) can protect you from becoming a victim. 

Speaking up for yourself is crucial when dealing with someone trying to manipulate you. If your manager or coworker is pressuring you or trying to isolate you from the rest of your teammates, going to HR to mediate the situation may help. Even if you’re still learning to overcome insecurities, self-advocacy can help you protect yourself from mistreatment. Ultimately, the only advocate you can truly guarantee will be there for you is yourself.

When you start to notice toxic behaviors and psychological manipulation from someone in your life, communicate clearly and push back. If you struggle with advocating for yourself at work or if your partner’s manipulation is too overwhelming to overcome on your own, seeking the help of an individual therapist or a couples counselor can help. 

If your partner agrees to counseling, the professional you choose may serve as an unbiased witness to their attempts at manipulating you, which can validate your experience and help you find a way forward. 

What causes manipulative behavior?

There are a variety of reasons someone might become manipulative. This type of abuse can stem from childhood trauma, where a now-adult had the behavior modeled for them or where they themselves were abused. Using manipulation to get what they want or need from others may be a subconscious coping mechanism for people in this situation.

Others may be dealing with a mental health issue, like pathological lying or narcissistic personality disorder. Although these conditions can only be properly diagnosed by a licensed professional, understanding their signs and symptoms might help you decide if you want to confront your manipulator or leave the relationship altogether.

Don't ignore the signs of manipulation in a relationship

Sometimes the signs of manipulation are so subtle that it takes months or even years to recognize them. Still, once these red flags start to pop up, don’t ignore them. The person manipulating you will only become more effective and powerful in your relationship the longer you allow the abuse to continue. 

If you find yourself in this situation, no matter the environment, a coach can help and empower you. Connect with a BetterUp Coach to become a stronger, more resilient person.