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Do you want to be happier, have more influence, be a better decision-maker, and be a more effective leader? Self-awareness, then, is the most important muscle you need to develop. It's what will keep you on target to be the best version of yourself and the best leader you can be.
The benefits of self-awareness are as varied as each individual, and examples include increased influence, greater perspective, and stronger relationships. Let's dig into what self-awareness is, definitions, and ways to develop it.
What is self-awareness?
Self-awareness is the ability to understand your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and how they align with your values and how others perceive you.
Psychologists Shelley Duval and Robert Wicklund proposed this definition:
"Self-awareness is the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don't align with your internal standards. If you're highly self-aware, you can objectively evaluate yourself, manage your emotions, align your behavior with your values, and understand correctly how others perceive you."
Put simply, those who are highly self-aware can interpret their actions, feelings, and thoughts objectively.
It’s a rare skill, as many of us spiral into emotion-driven interpretations of our circumstances. Developing self-awareness is important because it allows leaders to assess their growth and effectiveness and change course when necessary.
Types of self-awareness
There are two distinct kinds of self-awareness, public and private.
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Private Self-Awareness: This involves being aware of internal aspects of the self, such as thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. For example, feeling nervous before giving a speech and recognizing that anxiety internally.
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Public Self-Awareness: This pertains to how we perceive ourselves from the perspective of others. It's the awareness of how we appear and are evaluated by others. For instance, realizing that others might judge us based on our appearance or behavior in social settings.
Development of self-awareness
Self-awareness develops gradually, starting in early childhood. Infants begin with a basic sense of self, which becomes more complex as they grow. By around 18 months, many children can recognize themselves in mirrors, indicating a budding self-awareness. As individuals mature, experiences and reflections further shape their self-perception.
Why is self-awareness important?
The Eurich group has researched the nature of self-awareness. Their research indicates that when we look inward, we can clarify our values, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses. We are able to recognize the effect that we have on others. Eurich's research finds that people with self-awareness are happier and have better relationships. They also experience a sense of personal and social control as well as higher job satisfaction.
When we look outward, we understand how people view us. People who are aware of how people see them are more likely to be empathetic to people with different perspectives. Leaders whose self-perception matches others' perceptions are more likely to empower, include, and recognize others.
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Benefits of self-awareness
As we mentioned earlier, strengthening self-awareness has a variety of benefits. The specifics of each one depends on the individual.
From a high level, here are some overall benefits of developing self-awareness:
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Enhanced decision-making: Being aware of oneself helps individuals to make choices that align with their values and beliefs.
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Improved relationships: Understanding one's emotions and behaviors can lead to greater empathy, better communication, and stronger relationships.
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Emotional regulation: Recognizing emotional triggers enables better management of reactions and strengthens our emotional regulation.
Here are some examples of more specific benefits of developing self-awareness:
- It gives us the power to influence outcomes
- It allows us to understand things from multiple perspectives
- It frees us from our assumptions and biases
- It decreases stress
- It makes us happier
What's the self-awareness gap?
Self-awareness is a staple in contemporary leadership jargon. Although many leaders will brag about how self-aware they are, only 10 to 15 percent of the population fit the criteria.
Many of us grew up with the message that you should not show your emotions, so we attempt to ignore or suppress them. With negative emotions, that doesn't go very well for us. We either internalize them (resulting in anger, resentment, depression, and resignation) or we externalize them and blame, discount, or bully others.
Lack of self-awareness can be a significant handicap in leadership. A study conducted by Adam D. Galinsky and colleagues at Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management found that often, as executives climb the corporate ladder, they become more self-assured and confident. On the downside, they tend to become more self-absorbed and less likely to consider the perspectives of others.
In a separate study, Canadian researchers looked at brain activity in people who are in positions of power. They found physiological evidence to conclude that as power increases, the ability to empathize with others decreases. They become less able to consider the needs and perspectives of others. Fundamentally these leaders don't think they need to change and instead require a change from everyone else.
How do I know if I'm a self-aware person?
Don't despair if you don't make the 10-15 percent self-awareness cut. If you want to know how self-aware you are, the iNLP Center has 12 multiple-choice questions that will tell you the level of your self-awareness and what you can do to improve it. The assessment is research-based and developed by Mike Bundrant, a neuro-linguistic trainer and life coach.
The Values in Action Inventory of Strengths (VIA-IS) is a great tool for you to use to identify your dominant strengths and is free on the VIA website. It measures your answers across six broad categories with a total of 24 strengths. Take the assessment, and you'll generate a report identifying your top 5 strengths and how to begin to optimize them.
How to become a more self-aware person
Developing conscious self-awareness is an ongoing process that requires reflection, introspection, feedback, emotional intelligence, and intentional self-growth. By understanding your strengths and weaknesses, you can build on what makes you thrive while improving areas that hold you back.
Envision yourself
Visualize the best version of yourself. "Ideal selves reflect our hopes, dreams, aspirations, and speak to our skills, abilities, achievements, and accomplishments that we wish to attain.” (Higgins, 1987; Markus & Nurius, 1986.) As you lean into your strengths to become the better version of yourself, you can use this idealized self to keep moving in the right direction and not be distracted by setbacks and other obstacles.
Ask the “what” questions
Effective self-awareness starts with self-reflection, but most people ask the wrong questions.
Instead of asking, “Why do I struggle in meetings?”, shift to “What can I do to improve my confidence?” Asking “what” questions fosters growth mindset, problem-solving, and emotional intelligence, keeping the focus on actionable solutions rather than self-doubt.
For example, Amy, a junior executive, avoids speaking up in meetings. Instead of thinking, “Why does no one listen to me?”, she reframes her approach: “What strategies can I use to contribute effectively?” This mindset shift empowers her to take proactive steps toward self-improvement and career growth.
By replacing “why” questions with “what” questions, you cultivate self-awareness, confidence, and personal development—key factors in achieving success.
Asking the "what question" puts us into the objective and open space of considering all the factors influencing a particular outcome. For example, instead of “Why don't I speak up at meetings?” we could ask:
- "What were the interpersonal dynamics in the room?"
- "What was I experiencing in my body at the time?"
- "What happened that caused me to go into my old story of not being good enough?”
- “What can I do to overcome my fear of speaking up?"
This kind of introspection allows us to look at behaviors and beliefs for what they are. With self-awareness, we can examine old patterns and stories that do not serve us, and then we can move on. Asking the right questions empowers us to make different choices that bring different results.
Amy decides to make a plan because now she understands that she has a chance at overcoming her problem.
- She's going to find out more about the content and goals of an upcoming meeting to become more confident in how she can contribute.
- Rather than being consumed by imagining what others are thinking about her, she'll actively listen for cues to ask meaningful questions that move the conversation forward.
- With a heightened awareness of the cues her body is giving her signaling fear and anxiety, she’ll name the emotion at the moment and choose not to be overwhelmed by it — one giant step to self-awareness.
Identify your strengths and weaknesses
A key step in self-awareness is recognizing what you excel at and where you struggle. Many people perceive themselves or their traits differently from how others do. They can overestimate or underestimate their abilities due to cognitive biases or lack of honest reflection.
- Take a strengths and weaknesses assessment (such as the VIA Strengths Survey or CliftonStrengths).
- Ask trusted colleagues, friends, or mentors for constructive feedback.
- Reflect on past experiences—what tasks come naturally to you, and which ones require extra effort? You can note findings from your self-reflection in a journal to reference later.
Strengthen your brain
The amygdala, often called the primitive brain, evolved to detect threats and trigger fight-or-flight responses before we even recognize our emotions. When faced with stress, your heart races, muscles tense, and stomach tightens—a physical tripwire alerting the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation and decision-making.
By practicing self-awareness, you can train your brain to recognize emotions as they arise, a process that enhances emotional intelligence and rewires neural pathways for better impulse control. Naming your emotions helps shift your perspective, allowing for logical reasoning instead of emotional reactivity.
For example, imagine receiving negative feedback. Your self-perception feels threatened, and your body reacts with stress. Instead of impulsively reacting, you pause and label the emotion: “I feel defensive.” This moment of mindful awareness helps you process the feedback constructively, leading to a more productive conversation rather than a defensive response.
Strengthening this skill over time improves emotional regulation, resilience, and decision-making, helping you navigate challenges with greater clarity and control.
Ask others about their perception of you
Now that you've discovered that feedback doesn't have to be scary, ask other people how they perceive you in certain situations. Getting specific will help to give you the most concrete feedback. Get brave and ask them how they would like to see you behave.
Exercise: Pick out a scenario(s) you would like to receive feedback on and list them.
Make two columns.
Column A: How I see myself
Column B: How others see me
In Column A make a list of words to describe your attitude and behaviors at the time.
Then, ask your feedback partner to do the same and record those responses in Column B.
Look out for discrepancies. You may have some blind spots that need attending.
Keep a journal
Journaling is a great way to pay attention to what's going on in your private and public self. It will also help you to recognize patterns that either serve you or not. You may use these prompts:
- What did I do well today?
- What challenges did I face?
- What was I feeling?
- How did I respond? In retrospect, would I have responded differently?
- What strengths did I use to keep me focused on the best version of myself?
- What is my intention for tomorrow?
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is a practice. It helps you be aware of what's going on in your mind, body, and environment. Engaging in mindfulness meditation can help individuals become more attuned to their thoughts and feelings. Meditation is one of a few practices that you can insert into your daily life, and practicing mindfulness is a wonderful tool for developing greater self-control.
Here are some ideas of mindfulness activities to get you started:
- Practice deep breathing
- Name you surroundings
- Organize your space
- Draw or paint
Barriers to self-awareness and tips to overcome them
- Cognitive biases: We tend to view ourselves through a distorted lens.
- Solution: Challenge your assumptions by seeking diverse perspectives.
- Emotional discomfort: Facing uncomfortable truths about ourselves isn’t easy.
- Solution: Practice self-compassion and focus on growth, not judgment.
- External influences: Peer pressure and societal norms can shape how we see ourselves.
- Solution: Develop a strong personal value system to guide your actions.
The ongoing journey of self-awareness
Self-awareness is not a fixed destination but a continuous journey of growth and discovery. The most self-aware individuals embrace this process, constantly refining their understanding of themselves and how they interact with the world. As you progress, regularly ask yourself:
By cultivating mindfulness, seeking feedback, and reflecting on your experiences, you can deepen your self-awareness and unlock greater clarity, purpose, and fulfillment in your life. Keep moving forward—every step counts.
If you're ready to take your self-awareness to the next level, partnering with a BetterUp Coach can provide valuable guidance and accountability. Our coaches can help you uncover blind spots, set meaningful goals, and navigate challenges with greater confidence.
